Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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