I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
