We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I wear drunk well.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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