I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.