I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
