I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
