just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
