Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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