This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
