you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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