i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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