There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.