Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
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The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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