we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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