omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
