She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
