smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
