Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
