and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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