sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
