he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
