the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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