If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
