please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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