so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
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