i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
