How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
