I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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