On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
