Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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