quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
