I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
