it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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