he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
