It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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