I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
