woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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