First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
