No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
