wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
