Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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