Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
