I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
