If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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