apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
