1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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