New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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