I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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