filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My pussy is not your playground.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
