Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
