Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
