How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
