He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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