i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
