Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
