still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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