Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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