I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
