I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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